A meditation on ripening, letting go, and the sweetness of change
Missing Yourself
Do you ever miss yourself? It’s comical to think about this even being possible – missing someone who is always literally you. But it happens. At least for me. And it feels nostalgic and beautiful, and other times makes me panic and want to cut bangs and rub mango on my face.
And then eventually there is some wisdom in this body-mind that says something wise and chills me the F out.
There’s a strange tenderness in missing parts of yourself, a little ache that feels like nostalgia directed inward. Sometimes it’s playful, sometimes it’s urgent, and other times it’s bewildering. Why do we long for previous versions of ourselves, and what is really being missed?
The Fruit of Becoming
Our thoughts are tricksters.
There are many ways to look at the dynamics of missing parts of ourselves, but the one that I’m currently relishing in is like fruit. The slow, steady, inevitable (unless chemically treated) reality of ripening fruit. It cannot stay or taste the same forever. And if it did, it would be boring. (Rude? Maybe not.)
It’s gotta ripen, sweeten, eventually ferment and fall. But that doesn’t mean the fruit story stops there. Does the ripe fruit miss being young and tart? Probably not. Why does a human miss some previous version of their human?
Tartness and Transformation
Now, to clarify, I’m not referring only to missing the picture of being tart, but to the inner experience of maturation. I sometimes feel so different than I used to. And have had thoughts like: should I cut bangs again and wear a headband? Will that make me be who I thought I was again?
Then the next question has to be: what part of change am I resisting now that makes me want to look in my rearview mirror for a 2010 version of this human woman?
Something no one can teach us for full comprehension is the inner dynamics of ripening as a human. There are many words to describe it, but the experience itself is complex and varied. We are guaranteed, however, that it’s going to happen and involves a lot of letting go.
The Art of Letting Go
Letting go, like peeing, feels good. There is an undeniable relief, a subtle liberation, when we release what we don’t need anymore.
Letting go of an old skin, though, can be painful, like the skin is barbed. And yet, it’s not little skin barbs that make it hurt – it’s the tiny, annoying hulk fingers of the mind that hold tight to memories that seem more comfortable than the unfamiliar change. Memories, old identities, the versions of ourselves we once cherished – they feel safe. And yet clinging to them keeps us from ripening further, from tasting the sweetness that life now offers.
Eating the Fruit
So let’s eat some fruit today, people. (By people, I mean me.) Let’s relinquish the grip, just the tiniest bit. Let’s honor the tartness of our past selves, while still allowing ourselves to ferment, soften, and fully ripen into the present.
Because missing ourselves doesn’t have to be a longing for what we were. It can be an acknowledgment of the beautiful, ever-evolving continuum of who we are becoming. The fruit will ripen, and so will we – sometimes sweet, sometimes tart, sometimes delightfully at the peak of flavor and sometimes composting to make nutritious dirt that will transform into some new creation.
Let’s savor it all.
Loving you,
Meghan
Want to dive deeper into the art of letting go? Join A Vow to Bloom October in the Online Studio – this month, we’re all about letting go, softening, and tasting the sweetness of change!